You may find this post aggravating, or it may tickle your ribs, but it does (sort of) embody a paean to gun yahoos and Second Amendment worshippers. While I myself own guns, I appreciate how they may not understand my reasons, make some cringe in fear, run aghast for the exits and tremor–partly because of the daily lashing of projectile penetrations and gore that we witness endlessly on the tube. Let me remind all that television is FICTION, for the most part, except for those committed heros in the military who are grinding their lives away for us on foreign soil. Bless those military person for their sacrifices, their devotion and their courage in facing an onslaught of religion going-down-the-wrong-road. It is so outrageously obvious that this war thing should never have been started in the first place, but I digress. Oh! I’m not suggesting that anyone post this in their own establishment, as it might be just too great a temptation for Johnny-Six-Pack and his crew of whatevers, to mimic and engineer-boot stomp your menu. I take no credit for this, it is total and unabashed plagiarism.
__Apparently this was posted in a commercial establishment__
Hello and welcome to our store! Please, feel free to look around, make yourself comfortable, enjoy our fine offerings and, oh yes, by the way? Please, no murdering.
Also, no raping, gang-banging, popping off, stabbing, mauling, stealing stuff, or walking around in a confrontational macho huff, ready at a moment’s notice to harass any of our normal patrons with a snarl and a vague threat of violence because you feel it is your God-given right, given how you are a card-carrying member of a pro-gun “Open Carry” sect that likes to strap unloaded handguns to your Wranglers, walk around in public places and freak people out. Thank you so much!
I’m sorry, I see you are still wearing your little weapon and strutting about like you are the rather doughy, bad-skinned king of the sand castle. Perhaps we were not clear? Shall we try it again?
Clearly, you are not a police officer. Therefore, the management, our employees and pretty much everyone within a 100-mile radius would very much appreciate it if you would put away that ego-fluffing man-toy that is designed solely to kill other living creatures and induce fear and ignorance as it regresses every hesitant advancement in the human soul back to caveman grunting lunkishness. Thank you again!
Oh, please do not misunderstand! We are all terribly impressed. It is so very patriotic of you to show off your little popper! Are you in a gang? Are you a drug dealer? Are you going to shoot some scary terrorists, Mr. pallid paranoid Constitution-misquoting videogame-addicted guy? Protect all of us here in the casual neighborhood coffee shop from those crazy liberals and their health care reform and organic pretzels? Thank you so much! But really, I think we’ll be OK without your little display. Enjoy your frappucino, won’t you?
What, no drink? You now wish to order nothing at all and instead plop yourself down in the corner, plug in your laptop and angrily scour Facebook all day for evidence that your ex-girlfriend, the one who left you two years ago at a full, what-the-hell-was-I-thinking sprint, is now dating a liberal or a pacifist or an atheist and is far, far happier than she ever was with you? We understand. We appreciate your desire to partake of our free Wi-Fi, buy nothing and not give a damn that we can’t really stay in business that way.
Why, look at you! Refusing to step away from the counter and instead choosing to read aloud from your little card that says how it’s completely legal to carry an unconcealed, unloaded firearm in a public space! Way to stand up for your rights! God bless America!
Turns out you are right. It is legal, sort of. Then again, so is eating gravel, wearing a giant hat made of cow manure and squirrel tails, and slapping yourself in the face repeatedly while ranting semicoherently about Jesus, masturbation and Shania Twain. And you don’t see anyone doing that, do you? Except Carl over there?
We realize it might seem unfair. Far be it from us here at the neighborhood cafe, where families and small children and book readers come to chat and feel slightly better about their day, to ask you to leave because your energy is so low and repellant and also downright silly.
But nevertheless, I’m afraid that’s exactly what we’re going to do. We would appreciate it if you would take your business elsewhere. Right now. No? Very well.
We had hoped it wouldn’t come to this. We had hoped to find a better resolution. However, in response to your insistence on carrying a firearm into our premises, we have no choice but to change our official policy, right here and now, on the spot.
Again, we mean no offense, you jingoistic lump of mancrazy. You are indeed well within your rights to be a thoroughly paranoid coward who has no real inner strength, confidence or social skills, to a degree that you feel you must carry a deadly weapon around to feel like you even exist. We understand your thinking completely. It’s basic psychology. Very, very basic. Childish, even.
So then. Like any business, we reserve the right to refuse service to anyone. But we realize there are some people for whom this is not specific or clear enough. We realize some people have to have it, you know, spelled out and publicly displayed.
Therefore, we have revised our list. Please note the new sign we have just posted on the front door. We have expanded and clarified a few things. We hope it helps.
Effective immediately on these premises, there will be:
No murdering
No raping
No pillaging
No gun slinging, pistol-whipping, sucker-punching
No mauling, jabbing, stabbing, hating or undermining
No screaming bloody murder
No morons
No panicking
No testing on animals
No jumping for Joy. While she appreciates your enthusiasm, our cashier is happily married. Thank you
No live birthing
No dumping
No livestock
No smoking
No smoking the livestock
No exit
No way out
No diving
No spitting
No way!
No Crusades
No “Star Trek” re-enactments
No skinny-dipping in the half-n-half
No doubt
Thank you so much for understanding. Free sample the biscotti on your way out?
Great post, Whoopeedo. There was a news article a few months ago about how concealment laws in some ares of the country were being reviewed, under the logic that, if we’re all packin’, the terrorists won’t dare mess with us. In protest, some businesses who hadn’t been serving terrorists in the first place posted the condensed version of this. Part tongue-in-cheek, but mostly serious, their signs were along the lines of, “Unless you’re a sworn law-enforcement professional, firearms are not allowed on the premises. Our patrons and our employees actually feel safer without them.”
This should be a non-starter filed under the heading “If I own the business, I can set the rules on what happens there”. That includes smoking and packing heat.
It’s definitely a “starter”, because many of you cons are instilling fear and advocating violent acts these days because you’re still not happy that a Democrat is in office. Go to most online guns ‘n’ ammo sales sites and you’ll find anti-Obama banners all over the place (to show how you don’t discriminate, you have anti-Pelosi and anti-Hillary banners too). There is nothing reassuring about the guy ahead of me in line at the local pizzeria who feels the need to be carrying a sidearm, especially when you know he’s likely some lifetime NRA member without any tactical training at all, except for all of those episodes of Walker Texas Ranger he tivo’d while living in his parents basement.
“…he’s likely some lifetime NRA member without any tactical training at all, except for all of those episodes of Walker Texas Ranger he tivo’d while living in his parents basement.”
How can I say I’m laughing without going “ha ha ha ha ha.” Exceptional–you nailed it Drew. I love intelligence and humor stirred together in the same cauldron. Good, good. Some of the saddest characters in the cast, are plastic cowboys and wannabe hoods. Yes sir. Most times a good hardwood Arkansas stick would beat ‘em silly before they could say, “Chuck Heston.” Sundancekid
Sigmund Freud: “A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity.” (“General Introduction to Psychoanalysis,” S. Freud)
The business owner that posted this obviously has some problems that need to be dealt with. Are they going to pat down all their customers as they walk into their establishment? How can they tell if I am packing a concealed weapon?
Why do you feel the need to carry a concealed weapon into a business? Were you the kid standing in front of me at the pizzeria, ready to put tiny .380 Cricket to hand if the pepperoni count is off again? You made the kid behind the counter pretty nervous. She thinks you’ll shoot the wrong people if you were to ever actually happen upon a crime in progress, which is still highly unlikely.
I don’t “feel the need to carry a concealed weapon into a business.” in fact I rarely carry my gun with me, but when I DO carry, how are you going to tell if I am carrying or not? It is my right to own and bear arms, until you change the Constitution of the United States, I will continue to exercise my rights. If you want to deny me services or goods for exercising my Constitutional Rights, that is fine, I will not spend my money in your establishment and you can lose sales.
Ummm, I think we’d just lose one sale: yours. Everyone else is leaving their deadly weapons at home. Just to be clear, no one was going to deny you a right to carry a gun. We would just be saying, “You’re not welcome here, unless you want to check your weapon in your car. Better yet, leave it at home. We’d still like your business, but we’d lose more law-abiding customers who you make uncomfortable because you think our coffee shop/corner grocery/family restaurant (etc) has the potential to become the Fort Apache.”
Jason quote:
” It is my right to own and bear arms, until you change the Constitution of the United States, I will continue to exercise my rights. If you want to deny me services or goods for exercising my Constitutional Rights, that is fine, I will not spend my money in your establishment and you can lose sales.”
True, Jason, so very true. You have a constitutional right. And as long as you keep it concealed and nobody knows about it, all the better. Questions remain: Are you carrying it because the Constitution and other laws say you can? Are you carrying it for your own self-protection? Are you carrying it because you a a plastic cowboy? Are you carrying it because you want to instill fear and submission in others? Are you carrying it for the thrill you get in your own bones, realizing that if someone did mess with you, you could fit ‘em for a slab in the mortuary? Are you carrying it because YOU are afraid? Are you carrying it because as someone suggested recently that anarchy is near approaching, and you want to maintain your place in line? Are you carrying it in order to have equal firepower with the gendarmerie?
To know your reasons would be refreshing, and try to be precise in your thoughts, so that we, your companion bloggers can know quite precisely where you are in the matrix. No ad hominem, just tell us what your reasons are for carrying a piece capable of ending human life, or in maiming others? Why do you do this?
Oh, and BTW, and if somehow the constitution were changed, (not likely as long as Wayne LaPierre navigates so many bucks into Congress) would it make any difference to you. Would you still carry? Be honest now, nobody is going to thump you.
Starbucks has decided to allow customers to carry deadly weapons on the premises, as long as local and state laws are not violated. One patrolman I know said in response, “why yes, I think I’ll mosey on down with a spear and get my morning latte. And hey, Monday is Bring Your Crossbow and Get a Free Muffin Day- can’t miss that!”
If jason really believes that his carrying of a deadly weapon will deter a crime in progress someday, it begs the questions: what tactical training has he ever had? Has he ever updated that training? And when the real cops arrive at the scene, how does he keep from being mistaken by the responding officers for an armed suspect?